The Tekken Play
by Tekkenicus
Summary: My very first fanfic, written agggggeeeessssss ago. In a simple playscript format, hope it has you in stitches, after all, had others in stitches :o) (Update: Added the sequel as a chapter)
1. Tekken Play 1- The Original Madness

Live, From the Famous Glades Arena: The Tekken Play.  
  
By Tekkenicus (or 'that freaky guy from da Stourport High').  
  
Kazuya (Kaz): Nice title, not!  
  
Heihachi (Hei): Shut up you idiotic boy!  
  
Me: Well, I tried. Anyway, this is a story about a talent show with the Tekken guys & gals. With the well renowned audience who has starred in so many live shows & theatre plays.  
  
Audience: (applauses) oh you're too kind!  
  
Me: And other famous stars which will be mentioned as we go along.  
  
Hei: (whining) Tell us now!!  
  
Me: Nah  
  
Hei: Go on!  
  
Me: No  
  
Hei: go ooonnnn!  
  
Me: Nnooooo!  
  
Paul: Just get on with it already, Christ!  
  
Me: Ok, ok, here's our first act. It's Jin Kazama trying out some comedy.  
  
Kaz: No problem there, he is a big joke y'know!  
  
Hei: hahahahahahahaa, too right!  
  
(Jin sniffles)  
  
Audience: aaaaawwwwwwwww  
  
Jun: How dare you speak that way! (smacks both of them upside the head)  
  
Hei+Kaz+Jun: Ow!  
  
Kaz: Why did you go Ow?  
  
Jun: Your spikes cut my hand.  
  
Kaz: But I've only got one.  
  
Jun: Yours & Heihachi's.  
  
Hei: Who?  
  
Jin: HEY! I'm trying to perform here.  
  
Kaz: Fine  
  
Jin: Anyway, this guys walks into a bar & uhhhhhh, ummm  
  
Faint Voice: he goes ouch.  
  
Audience: …  
  
Kaz: That wasn't funny  
  
Jun: Er, hahaha  
  
Hei: Put some energy into it boy!  
  
Kaz: hey, he's my son!  
  
Me: Oi, Big Mishima & Mini Mishima, shut it!  
  
Kaz+Hei: Fine!  
  
Jin: And, ummm, this guy styles his hair into 2 spikes but shaves off the hair in the middle & I ask him 'Why do you have hair like that?' and he replies 'Because baldness equals virility'. Well, your not very virile at 70 years old are you?  
  
(everyone laughs)  
  
Hei: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, what a fool that guy must've been!  
  
Kaz: HAHAHA, I'd say! It's you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Hei: HAHA-HEY!  
  
Paul: hehehehehehehehehehehe  
  
Hwoarang (Hwoar): uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh  
  
Xiaoyu: Ladies & Gentlemen, it's Beavis and Butthead!  
  
Jin: Also, his son styles his hair into a widow's peak kinda thing. More like poofter's peak if you ask me.  
  
Audience: Hehehehehehehehehee  
  
Kaz: HEY!  
  
Jun: Jin, it's not nice to make fun of family members!  
  
Jin: Sorry mom.  
  
Hwoar: Momma's boy!  
  
Me: Moving on…  
  
Jin: I haven't finished!  
  
Me: Who cares? We're moving on  
  
Jin: Ooh bugger!  
  
Me: Now, a little movie made by King called 'Wildlife One on One'  
  
Hei: Wahey! Porn!  
  
Jun: (gasp) you dirty old man  
  
Hei: Nah, that's just Wang  
  
Wang: Why you (beep), I'll beat the (beep) out of you!  
  
Jun: Stop swearing!  
  
Me: Don't worry, I'll keep the swearing out.  
  
Jun: Oh, ok (  
  
Me: The movie starts….now!  
  
David Attenborough type voice from Movie: 'Here we have the Jaguar Wrestler Priest, or Panthera religious wrestleris, and tells us whom he would want to have a one on one with'  
  
Hei: Here it comes  
  
Paul: Soon to be 'Here I (beep)'  
  
King (on movie): 'The person who'd I'd like to have a one on one with, is Mick Foley'  
  
Audience: ….oh  
  
Kaz: So it's that type of one on one  
  
Hei: Dammit!  
  
King: 'I'd ask him how he lost his ear & how many injuries he had in a whole career' (movie shows King talking to Krist Novoselic from Nirvana, who looked like Mick Foley when he had a beard)  
  
Hwoar: KRRRRRIIIIIISSSSTTTTT!  
  
Jin: -TAAAAALLLLLLLL!  
  
Armor King (A.K): Shut it you juvenile delinquents!  
  
Hwoar+Jin: (eyes go watery and do that anime type wobble as if they're gonna cry)  
  
Paul: Theeeeyyy'rreeee gonnnnaaaa crrrryyyyyyy!  
  
A.K: You, Vanilla Ice look-alike, shut your cakehole!  
  
Lei: Armor King's English? Wow!  
  
A.K: I'm not English, & if you say that again then I'm gonna 'ave to beat ya up mate.  
  
King: 'And that is my one on one' (movie ends)  
  
Hei: BOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Me: Nina, you know the drill.  
  
(Nina nods & she kicks Heihachi square in his impotent balls)  
  
Hei: (high-pitched) aaaaawwww maatttteee!  
  
Kaz: WAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
A.K: Bloody 'ell!  
  
Paul: *winces  
  
Me: Stop it!  
  
Hei: (still high pitched) I'm gonna get everyone for this.  
  
Kaz: (making fun by talking in a high-pitched voice) aww, what you gonna do?  
  
Me: STOP IT OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!! (shows semi-automatic)  
  
(Everyone quietens)  
  
Me: There, now, a performance by some group, er, they're called…Mon-day?  
  
(Monday, made up of Hwoarang & some of his bike gang, appear on stage)  
  
Paul: Gerroff the stage!  
  
Hwoar: Up yours!  
  
Jin: (to Xiaoyu) Man, everyone's ears' are gonna bleed tonight, I know, I heard them play  
  
Xiaoyu: What are we gonna do then?  
  
Jin: I've got an idea, listen (Jin whispers his plot)  
  
Xiaoyu: Ok, I think I can do that (runs backstage)  
  
Julia: Where's she off to?  
  
Jin: nervous Er, umm, nowhere! Nowhere at all.  
  
Hwoar: speaking in microphone IS EVERYONE READY TO ROCK?  
  
Audience: unenthusiastically yes.  
  
Hwoar: I SAID 'IS EVERYONE READY TO ROCK'?  
  
Audience: still unenthusiastically: YES.  
  
Hwoar: An' a 1, an' a 2  
  
Nina: She does it more then that!  
  
Anna: (beep) off  
  
Hwoar: An' a -  
  
(Power goes out & everyone talks in surprise)  
  
A.K: Bloody 'ell! Where'd all the lights go?  
  
Lei: Who turned the lights off?  
  
Bryan: click, click-click-click  
  
Lei: Who turned the lights off?  
  
Hwoar: Shut up back there!  
  
Jun: (holds tightly onto Kazuya)  
  
Kaz: (thoughts) thank you darkness! (  
  
(Power returns but Monday's instruments are gone)  
  
Band member 1: Hey, where's my bass?  
  
Band member 2: And my drums.  
  
Band member 3: And my amphetamines.  
  
Lei: Who said 'amphetamines'? (Shows badge)  
  
Band member 3: erm, not me!  
  
Hwoar: Least I can still sing  
  
Me: Go ahead then.  
  
Hwoar: (clears throat) #Waaaarnnninnnnggg#  
  
Audience: BOOOOOOOOO (throws rotten vegetables)  
  
Hwoar: You buncha (beep), I'm gonna kick your (beep)ing (beep) in so hard that Jimmy Saville couldn't (beep)ing fix it!  
  
Me: Moving on…  
  
Jin: (mumbling) yes, it worked!  
  
Julia: What was that?  
  
Jin: er, nothing, just coughing.  
  
Me: Now, a magic act with the great-  
  
A.K: Arseholio!  
  
Audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahah  
  
Me: NO! With the great Heihachi (god, I feel like a suck-up now!)  
  
Hei: (on stage) Good evening, is everyone ready to be amazed?  
  
Audience unenthusiastic like before: Yes.  
  
Hei: My first act is a disappearing act.  
  
Kaz: Yes! Make yourself disappear!  
  
Wang: I agree with your boy on this one!  
  
Hei: You fool! I do have an assistant! Your wife!  
  
Jun: er, hi  
  
Kaz + Jin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Hei: She will enter the box …  
  
(Jun enters box)  
  
Hei: …and when I say the magic words, A-bra-cadab-bra!  
  
Michelle: Ew! Sick old man!  
  
Baek: You can say that again!  
  
Michelle: Ew! Sick old man  
  
Forest: Hehehehe  
  
Paul: heheheheheh, yeah, hehehehehe  
  
Hwoar: huhhuh, uhuhuhuhuh  
  
(Puff of smoke)  
  
Kaz: Nah, that's just dad  
  
Hei: Shut up you frog! (Clears throat & opens box), hey presto! She's gone!  
  
Jin: MMOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Jun: (appearing from under the stage) Yes?  
  
Hei: Dammit! My act is foiled!  
  
A.K: Crikey! That was a crap magic act, weren't it mate?  
  
King: Yeah mate, totally doolally! Want a brew?  
  
A.K: Go ahead then mate!  
  
Lei: Now their Australian! Jesus Christ mate! Now they've got me doing it!  
  
Anna: Nina would know about doing it!  
  
Nina: (beep) off (beep)  
  
Anna: (beep) you!  
  
(Nina slaps Anna and a catfight starts)  
  
Paul: Wahey!  
  
Me: Oi, stop that before I kill both of you! (Shows semi-automatic from earlier)  
  
(Nina and Anna stop)  
  
Paul: You spoilsport!  
  
Me: Hey, Nina! Anna! Paul stares at you in the shower!  
  
Nina + Anna: WHAAATTTTT?!?!?!  
  
Paul: Tekkenicus, I really hate you!  
  
Me: I know, mwahahahahahahahaha  
  
(Paul gets kicked in the sensitive area-twice!)  
  
Paul: (high-pitched) aaawwww maattteee!  
  
Forest: (laughs so hard that he rolls right onto the stage)  
  
Me: And now Forest Law showing his skills.  
  
Forest: Hehehehe-WHAT?  
  
Audience: WEEEEE'REEEEE WAAAAIIIITTTTIINNNNGGGG!  
  
Hwoar: Agh! The whole audience is Sonic the Hedgehog!  
  
Bruce: Yo, shut up crack head!  
  
Hwoar: I'm not a druggie!  
  
Jin: What about that time where you-  
  
Hwoar (interrupting): Don't-you-dare!  
  
Jin: But-  
  
Hwoar: No!  
  
Jin: But-  
  
Hwoar: Zip it!  
  
Jin: But-  
  
Hwoar: Zip!  
  
Forest: Umm, okay, skills, er…anyone seen my one-inch punch?  
  
Faint Voice: That was Bruce Lee's own move, sucker!  
  
Forest: Thanks for your support!  
  
Faint Voice: Your welcome (  
  
Forest: I give up! (storms off stage, fuming)  
  
Me: Ok, so er, moving on…  
  
Michelle: I've been quiet too long now. Gimme a line!  
  
Me: You've just had 1 now.  
  
Michelle: Oh  
  
Kunimitsu: What about me?  
  
Yoshimitsu: And me!  
  
Ganryu: We're being neglected!  
  
Alex: hisssssss (Yeah)  
  
Roger: (makes kangaroo sounds)  
  
Me: Fine, I'll add y'all in an act. A dancing act.  
  
Michelle + Everyone else mentioned after her up to me: WHAT!?  
  
Me: Yeah,. That's right, a dancing act. So get up on stage!  
  
Ganryu: But I can't dance.  
  
Kunimitsu: And my toe hurts,  
  
Yoshimitsu: And my hand hurts  
  
Me: You haven't got a hand, it's artificial!  
  
Yoshimitsu: The other one!  
  
Me: Oh  
  
Alex: nnnraaoorg (and I'm an animal so I can't dance)  
  
Roger: brbrbl (me too)  
  
Me: It's either dancing or not being mentioned for a while.  
  
Michelle: I can go with the dance  
  
Ganryu + Kuni + Yoshi: Not us!  
  
Roger + Alex: animal sounds  
  
Michelle: Fine, I'll dance on my own! (goes up on stage)  
  
Me: Ok then. Our next act is Michelle doing the exact dance to this music.  
  
Michelle: Bring it on boy!  
  
Me: (puts on Run DMC Vs Jason Nevins: 'It's like that')  
  
Michelle: Breakdancing?  
  
Me: Backing down now?  
  
Kaz: No one is allowed to be more evil then me! Grrrrrrrr  
  
Hei: Or me!  
  
Toshin: Or me!  
  
Michelle: Forget it, I won't do it  
  
Eddy: I will (goes up on stage and breakdances)  
  
Audience: Ooooooooh aaaaahhhhhhhhh  
  
A.K: Jesus Christ mate! 'e's spinnin' faster then a spinning top!  
  
King: Y'right guv'nor! 'e's like a bolas!  
  
Paul: Oh God, what's next? 'Ripper strikes in Whitechapel'?  
  
King (holding Jin): Booooyyy for sale, who'll buy my booooyy for sale?  
  
Jin: Mama!  
  
Jun: Let him go (gives cold glare & King lets go)  
  
Bruce: King man, you're a pu-  
  
Me: Don't go there!  
  
Eddy: Can I stop now?  
  
Faint Voice: no!  
  
Me: Yes  
  
Audience: No!  
  
Eddy: I'll go with Tek's word  
  
Audience: Ooooooooh bugger!  
  
Paul: Now they've got the audience doing it! Boohoohoo  
  
Xiaoyu: You've got problems? I had to disconec-  
  
Jin: AH-HEM!  
  
Xiaoyu: er, disconnect an umbilical cord with my mouth once!  
  
Julia: Ewwwww  
  
Forest: Gross  
  
Bruce: maaaaannn!  
  
A.K: Bloody 'ell!  
  
King: Jesus Christ!  
  
Alex: rrooooaaaaaarrrr  
  
Me: Shut it everyone!  
  
(everyone shuts up)  
  
Me: Now, moving on, some impressions by Armor King.  
  
A.K: You better laugh. Hey, it's that some fish 'n chips you got there, Tek mate?  
  
Me: Er, yes  
  
A.K: Flat out mate, flat out! (takes a handful of chips)  
  
Me: Oi!  
  
A.K: Here's my impression of Kurt Angle. (clears throat) 'I'm gonna drink my milk'  
  
Audience: WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Paul: Woohehehehehehehehe  
  
Kaz: Hehehehehehehehehee  
  
Jin: Who's Kurt Angle?  
  
Kaz: Get with the program boy, don't you watch WWF?  
  
Jin: The World Wide Fund?  
  
Kaz: I despair! I honestly do!  
  
Michelle: Yeah right!  
  
Kaz: What was that? (gets out mobile which has the number to soldiers outside the Chang house)  
  
Michelle: N-nothing. (  
  
Kaz: Good :o)  
  
A.K: And here's Hwoarang (clears throat) #Waarrninng# (in croaky nicotine-y voice)  
  
Jin: hahahahahahahhahahaha  
  
Xiaoyu: hhehehehehehehehehhe  
  
Hwoar: OI! I'm gonna break your (beep)ing balls man!  
  
A.K: Don't even try it mate!  
  
Hwoar: I was talking to Jin  
  
Jin: Huh?  
  
Hei: Who?  
  
Paul: What?  
  
Faint Voice: how?  
  
Jin: Why me?  
  
Hwoar: Cos u laughed at me, you (beep) stard!  
  
Jun: Stop swearing!  
  
Hwoar: And what are you gonna do 'bout it?  
  
Kaz: Maybe not her, but I can :o(  
  
Hwoar: Jus' try it man!  
  
Kaz: Alright then (smashes Hwoarang on the stage, into Armor King)  
  
A.K: Oi! Watch it mate! You nearly 'it me!  
  
Hwoar: Who gives a-  
  
Me: sausage  
  
Hwoar: Huh? What you talking 'bout, you repressed shi-  
  
Me: ship head  
  
Hwoar: Shut up man  
  
Me: No, it's my play!  
  
Jin: I'll settle this. Ooooooooh Hwoaaaaaraannnnggg (dangles a pack of Marlboro in his hands)  
  
Hwoar: Ciggies! Gimme gimme gimme!  
  
Hei: #a man after midnight!#  
  
Wang: Abba? What a sad group of losers!  
  
Hei: And what do you prefer dirty old man? Daphne & Celeste?  
  
Wang (looking nervous): n-n-no  
  
Faint Voice: Wang masturbates to Daphne & Celeste!  
  
(Wang throws shoe at guy/gal who owns the faint voice)  
  
Faint Voice: Ow  
  
Wang: That'll teach you!  
  
Kunimitsu: My face is sweaty, how come my face is sweaty?  
  
Yoshimitsu: Because you wear that damn mask 24/7  
  
Kunimitsu: I thought it was Manji law  
  
Yoshimitsu: Yes but since when has a person gone by the rules anyway?  
  
Kunimitsu: So, shall I take it off?  
  
(suddenly all the males' get interested)  
  
Kunimitsu: Not in that sense!  
  
Male Members of Audience: Ooh bugger!  
  
Yoshimitsu: Nah  
  
Me: But I wanna know what she looks like!  
  
Yoshimitsu: Well tough! You ain't getting' a free peep show!  
  
Me: It's her face!  
  
Yoshimitsu: Not that type of peep show! You randy bugger!  
  
Me: grrrrrr-  
  
King: raaaaaaahhhhh-  
  
Alex: aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!  
  
A.K: Can I leave now?  
  
Me: (sigh) yes  
  
A.K: Thank God! (leaves hall. Sound of an opening and closing door fills the room as does the rev of a car engine afterwards)  
  
King: I don't think he's coming back  
  
Hwoar (smoking on 10 cigarettes at a time): No (beep) Sherlock!  
  
Jun: I said no swearing!  
  
Hwoar: Fu-  
  
Me: uh-uh, she said no swearing  
  
Hwoar: Why are you taking orders from her anyway?  
  
Me: She has good connections (gives thumbs up to Kazuya)  
  
Kaz: (  
  
Me: And now our final act.  
  
Everyone: YYEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!! OH WE WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS, EVERYDAAAAYYY.  
  
Me: SHUT IT!  
  
(Everyone goes quiet)  
  
Xiaoyu: Meany!  
  
Kaz + Hei + Toshin + Devil: What did you call me?  
  
Angel: Siiiiilllent niiiggghht  
  
Me: Angel, not now!  
  
Angel: hmph!  
  
Bryan: Anyone noticed that Angel looks like Carrie?  
  
Bruce: Carrie?  
  
Bryan: Y'know, Carrie, the girl from Stephen King's 1st book  
  
Bruce: Man, I don't read stuff like that!  
  
Baek: I bet you don't!  
  
Angel: Who compared me to Carrie?  
  
Bryan: er, Bruce did!  
  
Bruce: Didn't!  
  
Angel: I don't care, as long as that's done with. I am not Carrie White!  
  
(bucket of blood drops from above the stage and spills it's contents all over Angel, who has a look of surprise)  
  
Bryan: Told you she looks like Carrie!  
  
Faint Voice: Everybody out quick! Before she electrocutes and burns us!  
  
Angel: That's it! Who are you o owner of the faint voice?  
  
Faint Voice: I'm Unknown  
  
Angel: Don't play games!  
  
Devil: er, Angel?  
  
Angel (to Devil): Zip it!  
  
Devil: Fine then ;o(  
  
Unknown: But I am  
  
Angel: If you don't tell me your real name then I'll blast you!  
  
Unknown: But I am Unknown!!!!  
  
Angel: That's it! (blasts Unknown and makes her fall on Wang's lap)  
  
Wang: Well hellllloooo ;o)  
  
Unknown: gwah  
  
Angel: Oops, it's the Tekken Tag boss! (starts to pray)  
  
Devil: Not again! That's it! Screw you guys, I'm going home! (runs out of hall. Again opening and closing doors and car revs follow)  
  
Angel: Devil! (goes after Devil)  
  
Wang (horny): Is it me? or is that paint you're wearing?  
  
Unknown: Uh-oh  
  
Wang: Hehehehe ;o)  
  
Unknown: AZZZZOOOORRRR!  
  
(big wolf thing that hangs out with Unknown, which, according to research, is called Azor, appears)  
  
Azor: Gruff  
  
Wang: Ooh Bugger x (  
  
Unknown: Get 'im! (points to Wang)  
  
Azor: grrrrrrrrrrruufff  
  
Wang: aaaaaaaaaarrgggghhhhhh! (runs out of hall, with Azor on his tail)  
  
Hei: A gay dog? That's already been done! CLICHÉ!  
  
Unknown: It's not gay!  
  
Me: Not that type of tail Heihachi you-  
  
Kaz: I'll handle his insults thank you very much!, ahem, 'you old dirty fart'  
  
Hei: Whhhhyyy yooouuuuu!  
  
Kaz: Nina (clicks fingers as if showing the drill)  
  
(Nina nods and kicks Heihachi in the balls)  
  
Lei: This sucks, I'm going home! (leaves hall)  
  
Bruce: Me too, Lei's got my ride!  
  
Bryan: Me 3  
  
Xiaoyu (to Jin, Hwoarang and Julia): (yawn) See you later at school guys  
  
Hwoar: Ok  
  
Julia: Bye Ling  
  
Jin: Cheerio  
  
Xiaoyu: Toodles  
  
Hwoar: 'Cheerio' and 'Toodles'? has everyone turned British now?  
  
King (holding 19th century chimney sweep, aged 12): Booooooyyyyy fooooorrrr saaaaaalllllleeeeee  
  
Jun: (gasp) how could you? You're an orphanage owner!  
  
King: Oh yeah! Soz kiddo  
  
19th Century Chimney Sweep, aged 12 mouthful: You better be you nincompoop! I'm going back to me time era for me bowl of gruel. ('Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped' style thingy appears and boy jumps in it and disappears)  
  
Kaz: (looks at watch) ooh (beep), We're missing 'Robot Wars'! Quick! Before we miss the first two rounds (runs out of hall)  
  
Hei: Wait for me! (runs after Kazuya)  
  
Jun: Kaz! (goes after her husband)  
  
Jin: Least I don't have to go.  
  
Jun: Jin!  
  
Jin: Oooohhhhhh goshdarnit! (leaves hall)  
  
Julia: Wait Jin! There's something I have to tell you! (runs after Jin)  
  
Hwoar: (yawn) this sucks Ganryu's fat ass! I'm going  
  
Ganryu: WHAAATTT? (jumps towards Hwoarang)  
  
Michelle: FLY FATASS FLY!  
  
(Kunimitsu and Yoshimitsu stare at Michelle)  
  
Michelle: It was from WCW! General Erection and stuff, y'know  
  
Yoshimitsu: I only watch Sumo wrestling  
  
Kunimitsu: And I'm more of a WWF fan  
  
Michelle: hmph! (leaves in a huff)  
  
Ganryu (with his hands round Hwoarang's neck): Huh? Wait! MIIIICCCHHHHEEEEELLLLEEEEE!  
  
Audience: YEEEEYYYYYYYYYY! (thunderous applause)  
  
Me: Ganryu wins the Talent show for his dramatisation as Marlon Brando in 'A Streetcar Named Desire' (throws trophy to Ganryu)  
  
Ganryu: Thanks (runs after Michelle like a whale towards a beach)  
  
Me: Wait, Robot Wars is on? Uh oh, gotta go! (leaves hall, sounds of opening & closing doors & rev of a car ensue again)  
  
Kunimitsu: …  
  
Yoshimitsu: …  
  
Baek: …  
  
Audience: …I think I'll leave now (leaves hall with sounds of photographers and reporters as soon as he/she reaches the doors)  
  
Baek: Er, me too (runs out of hall to get some spotlight)  
  
(Everyone else leaves apart from Yoshimitsu and Kunimitsu)  
  
Kunimitsu: …  
  
Yoshimitsu: …  
  
Kunimitsu: … so, ummm, you wanna?  
  
Yoshimitsu: Might as well  
  
(Yoshimitsu and Kunimitsu take off their masks, revealing themselves to be Posh Spice and David Beckham in disguise)  
  
Posh: Fooled them didn't we?  
  
Becks: Yeah, and they say I'm dumb as plank short 2's  
  
Posh: It's 2 short planks David  
  
Becks: Oh  
  
Posh: …  
  
Becks: …  
  
Posh: …let's leave  
  
Becks: Ok Princess (leaves hall through 'entrance' door)  
  
Posh: (sigh) one day he's gonna have to learn (leaves hall through exit door)  
  
(silence follows, with the sound of the lone janitor cleaning up the mess)  
  
Janitor: Show's over folks, best leave if you know what good for you mwahahahahahahahahahaha  
  
(Hall suddenly bursts into flames, janitor gets electrocuted suddenly and all the chairs burst into flames)  
  
Carrie (from Stephen King novel): Why does this always happen? Dammit!  
  
Fine 


	2. Tekken Play 2-Oh no, more madness

Live, from Madison Square Gardens…  
  
The Tekken Talent Show!!! (Or The Tekken Play 2: The Sequel).  
  
By Tekkenicus, the notified, qualified, bona fide (no jokes) person of the year (but to who is a mystery)  
  
Me: Welcome to another rendition of the Tekken Talent Show (otherwise known as the Tekken Play). We didn't want it to be repeated but as soon as we heard there was extra money in it then we agreed  
  
Kazuya (Kaz): Speak for yourself!!  
  
Me: Hey, you already had enough money when we did the MTV (2) Awards! I didn't get anything! Apart from a collection of my favourite anime's, mmmmmmm, Matako Kusanagi (of Ghost in The Shell™ fame)…  
  
Kaz: …(looking at Tek in a weird way)  
  
Me: Anyway, our first act is…er…(reads bit of paper)…an Iranian Chocolate Nosebladder Swipe Pod Eimagonnad pronounced 'I'm a gonad' Fish with Chips (or Fries if this reaches America) and a Mountain Dew?  
  
Heihachi (Hei): Sorry, that's my fish n' chip shop order  
  
Me: Of all the papers in the world, I had to get your fish n' chip (or fries) shop list  
  
Yoshimitsu (Yoshi): Play it again Sam!  
  
Steve Fox (Steve): My name is Steve!  
  
Me: Last I heard it was Dean Earwhicker!  
  
(Everyone laughs)  
  
Hei: BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! EARWHICKER???????  
  
Kaz: Earbiter more like! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Me: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHE  
  
Santa Claus: HO HO HO!  
  
Steve: I'm not gonna do my act now anymore!  
  
Me: Awwwww, C'mon! We were only kidding around! Do your act!  
  
Steve: Ok, my act is an interpretive dance act  
  
Everyone: ……eh?  
  
Steve: You heard me!  
  
Me: Erm, interpretive dance?  
  
Steve: Yeah, interpretive dance!  
  
Me: Er, okkkk. Listen, how bout you wait till after the last act  
  
Steve: But that would make me the last act!  
  
Me: Exactly! Now, this next act up is Ling Xiaoyu balancing some plates on stilts  
  
Hwoarang (Hwoar): Nah, how 'bout something talented? Like, oh I dunno, MY GROUP MON-DAY?  
  
Jin: Your group? Talented? My grandfather on the toilet makes better music then that!!  
  
Hei: Nah, that's Wang doing his 'practice'  
  
Wang: Why you little piece of (beep), I'll (beep)ing rip you a new (beep)ing (beep)  
  
Jun: Hey! No swearing! There are children present y'know  
  
Ling: Hey! I'm 18 now! I'm an adult!  
  
Jun: Yes, but there's the Jacks, they're only about 5-7 years old  
  
Jack-2: Subject-Jun made remark about Jack series  
  
GunJack: Should self, you and Subject-Prototype Jack 'kick her booty'?  
  
Jack-2: No, Subject-Prototype Jack will disintegrate in a matter of nanoseconds  
  
P.Jack: Why you pieces of-Malfunction! Malfunction! shuts down  
  
Dr B: Drat! That's the 15th time this week!  
  
Yoshi: You should upgrade him then  
  
Dr B: (whining) But I don't wanna!  
  
Me: Erm, Ling, do your act, quickly!  
  
Ling: Ok, ok. Ahem, watch people! I'm balancing plates on stilts! (sets some stilts up and places some plates on them carefully, making them spin)  
  
Everyone: Ooooooooooooohhhhh-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!  
  
Toshin: #Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla., bing bang#  
  
Julia: OH MY GOD! Toshin's stuck in 1999!  
  
Michelle: Just leave him there. The big green goon!  
  
Ganryu: hurhurhur  
  
Michelle: Ganryu, if you don't remove your hand from that particular area of my lower back/upper leg pretty sharpish then I'm cutting it off! (reveals a hatchet)  
  
Hei: (snatches hatchet away) oooohhhh, dins-dins! (chews away at hatchet blade)  
  
Kaz: I hate that guy!  
  
Me: Who does like that guy? Apart from your mother of course-  
  
Kaz: *sniffles. Mommy…  
  
Paul: Momma's boy!  
  
Jin: That kinda makes me miss my mommy as well  
  
Hwoar: Momma's boy!  
  
Jun: But I'm here Jin  
  
Jin: Oh…dammit!  
  
Kaz: Least you're lucky. All I had was a father that might've murdered her!!  
  
Hei: Kazuya, I told you, she went off with a different guy…  
  
Kaz: Don't blame her if she did do that  
  
Hei: Are you implying that I'm a bad lover?  
  
Kaz: Well, you're a bad father  
  
Hei: Whaaaaaat? Lee turned out nicely didn't her? Well, apart from premature greyness (and, with that unicorn and that stupid laugh, maybe premature gayness)-  
  
Lee: Hey!  
  
Hei: But apart from that he's fine!  
  
Lei: But a little birdie told me that Lee is adopted  
  
Hei: How did you know that?  
  
Lei: His last name is Chaolan, he's Chinese in origin and in looks and he doesn't have any of your attributes of which, through genetic reproduction, should pass onto his child. For example, there's Jin who looks like his father, Kazuya, but has a personality more like his mother's.  
  
Kaz: Jun is not a pansy!  
  
Jin: Oi!  
  
Jun: (scolding) Kazuya!  
  
Kaz: I'm sorry  
  
Jun: Better  
  
Jin: (rolls eyes)  
  
Bryan+Bruce: #Lei is a smarty-pants, Lei is a smarty-pants!#  
  
Forest: Thought Baek would be here  
  
Marshall: He'll turn up, sooner or later.  
  
Ling: HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Screaming so loud that the whole population of China have been woken up)  
  
Marshall: MY EARS!  
  
Paul: MY HEAD!  
  
Nina: Oh, shut up! You're giving me all a headache. It's even worse that I have to sit next to my sister!  
  
Anna: There speaketh the whore!  
  
Nina: (smacks Anna across the face) Bitch!  
  
Anna: Ho!  
  
Everyone: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!  
  
Nina: Yes, I like that mouse too  
  
Everyone: ?  
  
Ling: I am trying to do my ACT here! WATCH IT OR I'LL KICK ALL YOUR SCRAWNY ASSES!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone: (watch the stage)  
  
Kaz: She would make a great daughter-  
  
Ling: SHUT UP!  
  
Kaz: Maybe not :o(  
  
Ling: (sighs) Better, now, back to the act-  
  
Me: Sorry Ling, your time's up!  
  
Ling: WHAT?! Says who?  
  
Me: Says this shotgun and me! Now, gerroff the stage or you'll have some lead to go with your brain!  
  
Ling: Fine! (Leaves stage, muttering something that sounds like 'Meany!')  
  
Me: Now, our next act is, well, hopefully gonna be better then the last act  
  
Paul: Least it ain't Marshall and Forest doing opera singing.  
  
Craig: Yeah, sounds terrible  
  
Paul: You're Craig Marduk ain't ya?  
  
Craig: Yes  
  
Paul: Man! King is gonna kill ya!!! Hehehehe!  
  
Craig: Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!  
  
Me: It's…Marshall and Forest Law doing some opera singing!  
  
Everyone: Oh GOD NO!  
  
Me: Why? What the matter with it?  
  
Paul: Well, ever heard a bunch of turkeys gobble at the same time?  
  
Me: Depends on how hungry they are. Anyway, on with the act!  
  
(Marshall and Forest appear on the stage suddenly)  
  
Yoshi: Whoa! How did they do that?  
  
Dr B: You're the ninja with the teleportation and magic tricks, you figure it out!  
  
Kunimitsu (Kuni): I did it! I admit it!  
  
Yoshi: You will be sentenced to a place of my choosing (teleports Kuni away)  
  
Dr B: Hey, where'd she go?  
  
Yoshi: Erm…..(looks nervous)  
  
(At Disneyland)  
  
Kuni: Huh? Where the hell am I?  
  
Mickey Mouse: The happiest place on Earth!  
  
Kuni: Really? Well, that means you won't get mad if I do this! (kicks Mickey Mouse right in the happysacks)  
  
Mickey Mouse: (in a higher pitched voice) Ooooooooh mate!  
  
Kuni: Didn't think your voice could get any higher!  
  
Mickey Mouse: I'm a guy in a suit dammit! It's bleedin' obvious!  
  
Some Kid who was passing by: Mickey Mouse isn't real? (eyes wobble with tears)  
  
Kuni: Oh brother!  
  
(Back at Madison Square Gardens)  
  
Marshall: (spouting out something that sounds like something from 'Ride Of The Valkryies' by Wagner)  
  
Forest: (in that funny Asterix-style costume that you get fat lady opera singers always wearing when performing this opera, and also spouting out lines that go with the opera)  
  
Paul: Someone! Please kill me!  
  
Kazuya+Nina: With pleasure! (unleashes a weapon. Kazuya with a handgun, Nina with a bigger gun)  
  
Kazuya+Nina: …? (both put away weapons at the same time)  
  
Kazuya+Nina: Jinx!  
  
Kazuya+Nina: I said it first!  
  
Kazuya+Nina: No, I did  
  
Kazuya+Nina: (sighs) man, I need a drink!  
  
Anna: Typical! Wouldn't get me doing that!  
  
Lee: Me neither!  
  
Anna: I'm still not talking to you after that anime scene thing y'know  
  
Lee: Neither am I to you  
  
(Both Anna and Lee looking as of they're not looking at each other, but they are! Honest!)  
  
Anna: …  
  
Lee: …  
  
Hwoar: For (beep)'s sake! Just (beep) already! (gets struck by a cartwheel kick)  
  
Jun: No swearing in front of the children!  
  
Jane: Y'know, I'm an adult too  
  
Jack-2: And the Jack Series are robots already programmed to know such words  
  
GunJack: Example: (beep)  
  
Ling: And I'm now 18!  
  
Jin: And I'm now 21!  
  
Everyone: So where are all the children?  
  
King: #we are the world!#  
  
Lei: Not now King!  
  
King: (stops singing)  
  
Craig: Ooh-er! (Hides)  
  
Jun: It's the children watching this that I'm worried about  
  
Me: Wait? We're on live television? Now?  
  
Cameraman: Yep  
  
Director: Uh-huh  
  
Producer: Of course  
  
Other TV Staff+Jun: Yes!!!  
  
Me: Bloody Hell!!!! (Gets struck by a Tooth Fairy Uppercut)  
  
Jun: No swearing darn it!  
  
Toshin: My Tooth Fairy looks much better  
  
(Everyone stares at Toshin)  
  
Toshin: Can't y'all keep a clean mind for once????  
  
Ganryu+Wang: We can!  
  
Michelle+Julia: Yeah right!  
  
Wang: You doubt my willpower?  
  
Julia: Why else are you called Wang?  
  
Hei: He's called that cos he's got one dangling from his forehead! Bwahahahahahahahahaargh! (Is caught in a chokehold)  
  
Wang: Why you piece of-  
  
Me: Let's cut to a commercial break!  
  
Director: Commercial Break! Play the jingle!  
  
(Jingle plays)  
  
Cameraman: And…we're clear!  
  
Wang: Why you lousy piece of (beep), I'll rip your (beep) outta your (beep) so you can't (beep) your (beep)ing (beep)er! You mother(beep)er!  
  
Jun: Right! That's it! Tek, lend me your shotgun!  
  
Me: No, accidents will happen  
  
Jun: What kind of accidents?  
  
Me: (1) A fatality (2) A vengeance and (3) you getting your little greasy mitts on my big gun  
  
(Everyone stares at Tek, apart from Kazuya, who glares at him)  
  
Me: Oh come on! Clean your heads, for (beep)'s sake!  
  
Jun: (sound of a machinegun being assembled)  
  
Me: Er, ok, no more swearing now, y'hear?  
  
Jun: Better (  
  
Me: (nervous smile)  
  
Jin: I'm bored (with cheeky intentions)  
  
Julia: Me too (also with cheeky intentions)  
  
Hwoar: And me (with 'I'd like to see this!' intentions)  
  
Paul: This isn't gonna turn into a weird ending like the last story is it? With all those people making out, the stormtroopers and Tek going off into the sunset with Unknown  
  
Me: That never happened!  
  
Paul: (presses a button on a remote control and on a TV screen, it shows Tek going off into the sunset with Unknown)  
  
Me: …  
  
Eddy: Hey, least he hasn't any children yet  
  
Me: er…yeah…no children  
  
Unknown: (entering the arena, making the place totally silent as she walks towards the stage)  
  
Kazuya: She still doesn't have an identity?  
  
Jin: Guess not  
  
Me: (looking very nervous indeed!)  
  
Ling: D'ya think Tek…y'know…  
  
Julia: Erm…probably…  
  
Jin: Maybe…  
  
Hwoar: Well, I dunno! Ask him!  
  
Ling: Hey Tek! Did you…y'know…(making a suggestive motion with her hands, looking like a train going in and out of a tunnel)  
  
Me: (frowns)  
  
Ling: Guess not…  
  
Unknown: (whispers something in Tek's ear, with the attention of everyone in the arena, keeping them in suspense)  
  
Me: (sighs with relief) Anyway's, back to the show!  
  
Cameraman: Camera's rolling!  
  
Everyone: WHAT DID SHE SAY?!?!?!?!  
  
Me: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Jeez! You'd think I could keep my life in privacy!  
  
Kaz: Not really  
  
Me: :o(…Anyway, our next act is…(reading bit of paper)…oh god…  
  
Christie: Wonder what the next act is  
  
Eddy: Hope it's not breakdancing again! Honestly! Just 'cos our style looks like it!  
  
Christie: Yeah!  
  
Hwoar: I bet it's my band! It has to be!  
  
Snotrag (the drummer of Mon-Day): I hope so! I seriously need some alcohol here!  
  
Haemorrhoid (the bassist of Mon-Day): And me!  
  
Guitar Bloke (the lead guitarist from Mon-Day): Any chance of a rum and coke?  
  
Jin: To think I performed with them  
  
Snotrag: You were just doing your duty, now shut up, he's about to say the act  
  
Me: It's…  
  
Everyone: yes? (sounding eager to know)  
  
Me: …it's…  
  
Everyone: Yes??? (sounding very eager to know)  
  
Me: …it's….  
  
Everyone: YES??????! (sounding very, very eager to know)  
  
Me: …It's…  
  
Everyone: FOR (beep)'S SAKE, TELL US!!!!!!!  
  
Me: …It's… Mon-Day  
  
Everyone: (falls back, anime style)  
  
Hwoar: Told y'all it was my group…Hey, where'd my band go?  
  
(At 'The Money in the Hand' pub and bar, just opposite Madison Square Gardens)  
  
Snotrag: (to bartender) I'll have a Scotch on the rocks  
  
Haemorrhoid: I'll have the same  
  
Guitar Bloke: Any chance of a rum and coke  
  
Bartender: Ok, that'll be…$30 each  
  
Snotrag+Haemorrhoid+Guitar Bloke: WHAAAAAT???!!!  
  
Snotrag: (whilst fumbling around in his wallet) No wonder this place is called 'The Money in the Hand'!  
  
Bartender: Just cough it up!  
  
Haemorrhoid: (literally coughs up $30 well, 20 $1 notes and a $10 note) there ya go  
  
Bartender: Er, thanks  
  
Guitar Bloke: (running towards the toilet)  
  
Bartender: Hey! Where are you going?  
  
Guitar Bloke: To get you your $30, I think it's on the move! (rushes into the men's toilets, looking constipated)  
  
Bartender: No, you can have yours for free! (runs to the toilets, looking green in the face)  
  
Guitar Bloke: hehehe, works every time!  
  
(Back at Madison Square Gardens)  
  
Hwoar: Those bastards! I bet they're at the Money in the Hand!  
  
Me: Well, I'll assign you a temporary band then!  
  
Hwoar: Fine  
  
Me: ok, the drummer will be…Paul!  
  
Paul: Screw you! I ain't doing it!  
  
Me: (presses button and Paul is thrown out of his seat and onto the drum stool at the drum kit)  
  
Paul: (goggle-eyed)  
  
Me: The bassist will be…er…aha! Lee! You'll be the bassist!  
  
Lee: Ah crap! (walks slowly to the stage and picks up his bass guitar)  
  
Me: And finally, our lead guitarist…Hey, Jin, you can play lead can't you?  
  
Jin: Nah, that'll be-  
  
Kaz: (whispers something to Jin) if you don't say my name, then I'll put in a good word for you to be in a Final Fantasy movie  
  
Jin: -Er, it'll not be my dad, cos he…er…doesn't know how to play lead guitar  
  
Kaz: Good boy  
  
Jun: Oh, I'm sure your father could, after all, he played lead guitar in an old teenage band he got together.  
  
Kaz: Ah crap!  
  
Jun: Aww, go on honey, I bet you'll do really well  
  
Kaz: (grumbles and mutters)  
  
Paul: WHAT? Him?! No way!  
  
Kaz: You think I'm eager enough to be anywhere near you?!?!  
  
Lee: Hey, be brave bro', I'm doing it ain't I?  
  
Kaz: Er, we're not technically bro's, if you know what I'm saying  
  
Hei: Aaaahhhh, stop your whining and get up on stage  
  
Kaz: Fine, but first, Dad?  
  
Hei: Yes son?  
  
Kaz: Could you put this frayed wire into your mouth (reveals a frayed wire, which is actually the wire leading to the lead guitar)  
  
Hei: Er, Ok (puts wire in mouth)  
  
Kaz: (walking up on stage, snickering)  
  
Hwoar: Here's ya chords…(gives the chords to his reluctant new members)  
  
Lee: (reading)…hey, these aren't original chords!  
  
Paul: Nor drum tabs.  
  
Kaz: They seem to sound quite familiar…(plays a few of them, giving Heihachi an electric shock)  
  
Hei: YIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!  
  
Kaz: Mwahahahahahahahahaa!  
  
Hwoar: hey, you guys are here to play, not to say…anything  
  
Paul: Ooh, nearly a rhyme! How smart are you?  
  
Hwoar: Shut up, bunghole!  
  
Paul: hurhurhur  
  
Me: Just get playing will'ya?!?  
  
Hwoar: Ok, ok, jeez! This tune is called…er…(reads title)…'Sweet Child O'Mine'  
  
Kaz: Thought I recognised it! Would've preferred a bit of the Stone Temple Pilots to be honest  
  
Paul: I would've preferred some other Guns N Roses song, this one's too sappy  
  
Lee: Well, I like it  
  
Hwoar: Hey, Kazuya! You're starting off!  
  
Kaz: I am? mwahahaha  
  
Hei: …uh-oh  
  
Kaz: An a' 1, an a' 2  
  
Nina: She does it more then that!  
  
Anna: (beep) off!  
  
Nina: (beep) you!  
  
Kaz: …whatever  
  
Jin: Plagiarist!  
  
Jun: Jin! He's your father!  
  
Jin: Yeah, but he stole my catchphrase!  
  
Kaz: (plays the intro to 'Sweet Child O'Mine')  
  
Hei: YIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! (in electric shock, continues like that till end of song)  
  
Lee: (plays his bass chords)  
  
Paul: (enters the drums)  
  
King: hehe, 'enters'  
  
Bryan: Sssshhhh!  
  
Hwoar: (doing the Axl shuffle/dance-type thing) # She's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories. Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky.  
  
Now and then when I see her face, she takes me away to that  
  
special place and if I stared too long  
  
I'd probably break down and crrrrrrry#  
  
Lee: (thoughts: This song is such a great song)  
  
Jun: (thoughts: I can read minds, and you wouldn't believe the amount of profanity in some people's heads. Especially Ling's!)  
  
Ling: (thoughts: too juvenile to include)  
  
Hwoar: #whooooooooooooaaaaaahoooooaaaaa, sweet child o'mine.  
  
Whooooooooooooooaaaaaaaahoooaaaaa, sweet love o'mine#  
  
Paul: (thoughts: …why do I enter the Tekken tournaments anyway?)  
  
Kaz: (thoughts: Die you old Prodigy-obsessed old fart-face!)  
  
Hei: (thoughts: YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!)  
  
Hwoar: #She's got eyes of the bluest skies as if they thought of rain.  
  
I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain  
  
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place, where as a child I'd hide  
  
And pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by#  
  
Bryan: I can't believe they're this good!!  
  
Lei: Well, technically, this isn't Mon-Day.  
  
Bryan: #Lei is a smarty pants#  
  
Bruce: #Lei is a smarty pants#  
  
Bryan+Bruce: #Na-na, na-na naa!#  
  
Lei: *sniffles :o(  
  
Hwoar: #whhhhhooooooooooaaaahoooooooaaa, sweet child o'mine  
  
Whoooooooooooaaaaaahohohooooaaaa, sweet love o'mine#  
  
Kaz: (breaks into a solo)  
  
Everyone: (holding up lighters, apart from King, who held up a beer, Jun, who held up a hand in cheer, and Heihachi, who was being electrocuted)  
  
Hwoar: #whhhooaaaaho, yeah, whoooooooaaaaaaahohohoaaaa, sweet child o'mine  
  
Whoooooooaaaaaaaoohhhhohohhhhhhooooa, sweet love o'mine  
  
Whoa, ohohohhhhoooooooaaaa, sweet chiiiild o'minnnee, ooooohhh, yeah yeah  
  
Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhh, sweet love o'mine-ine#  
  
Jin+Jun: (jump away from Heihachi as Kazuya breaks into the main solo)  
  
Hei: (looking like a fireworks display)  
  
Kaz: (thoughts: I'm enjoying this!!!!)  
  
Hei: (thoughts: YIIIII!!!!! I'm NOT enjoying this! YIIIIII!!!!!!!!!)  
  
Hwoar: (dancing around with the mike-stand)  
  
Lee: (twanging at the bass)  
  
Paul: (thoughts: Man, I hope the sweat doesn't make my flat top fall out of place)  
  
Julia: Would've preferred some Nirvana though  
  
Michelle: Eh? I thought you were into the same stuff as your friend, Limg Xiaoya  
  
Julia: er, that was a typo from a magazine  
  
Michelle: Oh, well, how do you pronounce her name then?  
  
Julia: 'Lin Show-you'  
  
Michelle: Oh…well, I thought you were into the same music as her  
  
Julia: There's a lot you don't know about me, mom  
  
Lee: (thoughts: Hey, here's my vocal bit!) #where do we go now? where do we go? Where do we go now?#  
  
Hwoar: #Oooohaaaaowwhoowww-#  
  
Lee+Hwoar: #Where do we goooo?#  
  
Kaz: (in whispery voice) #sweet child o'mine!# (thoughts: Hey, I sounded a bit sexy there. Think I'll try it out later)  
  
Hwoar: #Ooowwwwwww, where do we go now?#  
  
Lee: #where do we go now? where do we go now?#  
  
Hwoar: (at same time as Lee) #ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai#  
  
Lee+Kaz+Hwoar: #Where do we go now?#  
  
Hwoar: #Aaaaahaaaaaaooooowwww, oh, where do we go? AAAAOOOWWWW, WHERE DO WE GO NOW?#  
  
Everyone: WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!  
  
Toshin: I'll tell you where do you go now, you go off the stage!  
  
Angel: Not a big fan of the band then?  
  
Toshin: Not really  
  
Hwoar: #Where do we go-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh where do we go nooow?#  
  
(stage gets soaked in Hwoarang's sweat)  
  
Hwoar: (thoughts: Man, after this, I'm gonna drain the bar dry!)  
  
Nina: Hmmmm, I prefer the Pogues to GNR  
  
Anna: More like one of the Corrs to me, but which one?  
  
Nina: grrr…  
  
Anna: Ah yes, Jim Corr, that's the one  
  
Nina+Anna: (once again start another catfight)  
  
Hwoar: #Where do we go? Oooohhhhowah where do we go now- oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh#  
  
Everyone (apart from Toshin, and Nina and Anna, who a busy fighting): WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hwoar: #Sweet chi-I-ild, sweet chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihiiiiiiiiiiiiiihhhhhaa-ah- ahild of miiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnah#  
  
Paul+Hwoar: (thoughts: Thank God it's over!)  
  
Lee+Kaz: (thoughts: Damn, it's over but with Kazuya's reasons more evil then Lee's of course)  
  
Hei: (looking like a cigarette butt, faints)  
  
Wang: Yes! He's dead! WOOHOO!  
  
Kaz: Hey! That's my line!  
  
Yoshi: That's my horse!  
  
Cloud Strife (what's he doing here?): What am I doing here?  
  
Me: Erm, the Final Fantasy Talent Show is next door  
  
Cloud Strife: Thanks (runs off next door)  
  
Me: (thoughts: What a bloody nice bloke)  
  
Kaz: To think I acted as him in a movie!  
  
Jun: Well, I enjoyed it  
  
Kaz: (grumbles)  
  
Hei: Man, those volts really hurt! Why did you do that son?  
  
Kaz: OH MY GOD!!! YOU DON'T KNOW??????????  
  
Hei: I've just had thousands of volts ran through my body, I can't remember anything!  
  
Nina: You get used to it after a while…  
  
Kaz: Ok, here's your identity, you are an Irishman called Tim O'Tay, and you wash your hair everyday  
  
Hei: (speaking in bad Irish accent) Well, so I am! Saints be praised!  
  
Jun: Kazuya!  
  
Kaz: Ok, ok, you are a Japanese business empire owner called Heihachi Mishima, you talk about world peace yet you actually wanna take it over by trying to get unlimited power. First by trying to control the Toshin, which failed-  
  
Toshin: Thankfully!!  
  
Kaz: -and now to find the Devil gene within me. Of which you'd combine with some DNA from Toshin, which would make something nearly unbeatable and invincible.  
  
Hei: (in normal voice) Grah! So I am! How did you know all this?  
  
Kaz: I read it on a certain website, oh and by the way, we both hate each other guts ever since we met each other, and you're a big loser who looks like a piece of crap  
  
Hei: Grrrrrrr!  
  
Lee: Well, Kazuya started hating your guts when you threw him off a cliff but technically, Kaz is right  
  
Hei: I know that, you imbecile! (gives Lee a backhand, sending him rolling, a la Tekken Anime style, right across the arena)  
  
Me: Anyway, after such bantering, our next act is…Michelle Chang?  
  
Michelle: Why is that so hard to believe?  
  
Me: Didn't think you'd enter, after what I did to ya last time  
  
Michelle: Nah, I buried the-HATCHET-on that ages ago  
  
Hei: Hatchet? Where? Where? Gimme gimme gimme!  
  
Wang: #A man after midnight#  
  
Jin: Hmmm, déjà vu  
  
Julia: Really?  
  
Jin: Yes  
  
Julia: Ah, interesting  
  
Jin: …  
  
Julia: …  
  
Jin: …d'ya think anyone's paying us any attention?  
  
Julia: …Not really  
  
Jin: Ah………I think I'll pop off to the toilet  
  
Julia: Me too! (Both Jin and Julia run off to the toilets)  
  
Lei: Me three! I really gotta go!!!!!!! (also runs off to the toilets)  
  
Ganryu: Can't miss this!!! (goes off to the toilets as well, but is stopped when a hatchet narrowly misses his head by a mere millimetre)  
  
Michelle: You go there over my dead body! You are not watching my daughter…erm…'get jiggy' with her boyfriend!  
  
Ganryu: How about us getting jiggy ourselves?  
  
Michelle: (shoots a glare that could scare the mask of every movie serial killer)  
  
Ganryu: Er…hurhur…um (goes back to his seat)  
  
Kaz: You still friends with Michelle, Jun?  
  
Jun: Oh yes, we meet for coffee each afternoon  
  
Kaz: Oh…(starts to get worried)  
  
Lei: (coming back from the toilets, how did he do that so fast?) I could go for some coffee right now…  
  
Bruce: Why bother? All it does is make you piss all the time and keep you awake  
  
Lei: I'm a cop, I NEED to be alert at all times!!  
  
Bruce: But do you need to piss all the time?  
  
Lei: …I wonder what the next act is  
  
King: *sniff Armor King…  
  
Yoshi: What's the matter King?  
  
King: I just found out that Armor King's been killed  
  
Craig: !  
  
Yoshi: (looking at Craig) Oh, really?  
  
King: yeah, some drunken idiot in a bar killed him  
  
Craig: (taking slow steady steps towards the exit)  
  
Yoshi: Well, I could tell you who killed him…  
  
King: You could?  
  
Yoshi: Yeah  
  
King: Great, cos if I ever caught the guy who did it, then I'd tear out their lungs, wash them and sell them to a little kiddie under the guise that they're a new type of balloon that's 2 balloons in one!  
  
Craig: (runs out through the door but bumps into…Armor King!)  
  
Armor King (A.K): Hey, watch it mate!  
  
Craig: Huh? But…but…but-Yaaaaaaaah! (runs right out of the building, and then runs for 20 miles, screaming)  
  
A.K: …loser (enters the arena)  
  
King: ARMOR KING!!!!!!!!! (runs to him and hugs him…well, bearhugs him)  
  
A.K: (getting blue in the face) You're…choking…me!!!  
  
Me: Well, that's our next act done, which was 'Resurrection by Armor King', good, but it can't beat Mon-Day  
  
Hwoar+Lee+Paul+Kaz: (grumbles)  
  
Me: But I don't think that union is gonna last  
  
Kaz+Paul: Got that right!!  
  
Kaz+Paul: …?  
  
Kaz: Hey, I already did this with Nina, I don't need to be doing it with you!  
  
Paul: Erm…That sounded kinda…naughty  
  
Jun: (scolding) Kazuya!  
  
Kaz: Not in that sense!!!  
  
Michelle: Hey, what about MY act?  
  
Me: Oh, sorry Michelle, carry on  
  
Michelle: Ok, here's my act, first, I'll need a volunteer  
  
Kaz: Take Paul!  
  
Paul: Take Kazu-whatsisface  
  
Kaz: Grrrrr!  
  
Paul: Rrrrrrrr!  
  
Ganryu: Take me!!!!! Take me pleeeeeeeeaaasssseeee!!! (waving his arms in the air wildly)  
  
Toshin: Dirty child! (burns Ganryu's ass)  
  
Ganryu: Ow! My ass!  
  
Toshin: Man, it would take me forever to completely toast his buns!  
  
Angel: Ok, you're scaring me now; it sounds like you're in love with Ganryu!  
  
Toshin: You know I only have eyes for you…  
  
Angel: And I have this eye for you! (blasts Toshin with laser)  
  
Toshin: Ow!  
  
Devil: (quickly changing from Kazuya to Devil) STOP IT!  
  
Angel: Sorry Devilkins  
  
Devil: BETTER! (reverts back to Kazuya)  
  
Kaz: Gah!  
  
Michelle: Ganryu, come on down!  
  
Ganryu: Wahoo! (runs onto the stage)  
  
Michelle: (mumbling something like 'Oh, help me God!')  
  
Ganryu: What d'ya want me to do my little Angel  
  
Angel: Hey, I'm the only Angel around here!  
  
Toshin: Not very angelic (blasted by laser again)  
  
Angel: That's once!  
  
Michelle: Just strap yourself to that big bull's-eye  
  
Ganryu: Ooh, kinky (straps himself to the bull's-eye)  
  
Michelle: Activate the bull's-eye!  
  
Me: (presses button and the bull's-eye begins to spin around)  
  
Ganryu: Hey! What's going on! Yaagh! (hatchet narrowly misses him)  
  
Michelle: Here's my act, I'm going to throw some-HATCHETS-at this bull's- eye, blindfolded, and without Ganryu getting harmed  
  
Everyone: ohhhhhh (sounding disappointed)  
  
Michelle: Yes, I know, but I'm not going to jail for you or anybody  
  
Everyone: Ok then  
  
Me: Well, they were very understanding!  
  
Kaz: Was that a sarcastic remark?  
  
Ganryu: YAAAAAGH!  
  
Me: No, not really  
  
Kaz: Aww, pity  
  
Jin: Hey Dad! According to Tekken 4, I should be really angry with you and beat you in a fight  
  
Kaz: After giving up the Mishima Style for Traditional Karate? No-f'n-way! Its takes a style to defeat a style  
  
Jin: I also have to beat up grandfather as well  
  
Kaz: Amen to that!  
  
Hei: (still feeling the electrocution effect) I can't feel my legs…  
  
Jun: Do you have to be so mean in front of our child?  
  
Kaz: (in whiny voice) Juun! Heihachi shot him right between the eyes!  
  
Jun: Well, I'm sure he's sorry about that now, aren't you Heihachi?  
  
Hei: …Er, yeah, sorry….  
  
Jun: See?  
  
Kaz: (sighs)  
  
Ganryu: Please get me off here! I promise I won't spy on you again! I'll get rid of those pictures of you on that website! I'll get rid of that poster on that billboard outside town! I'll stop my subscription to 'Binoculars Monthly'. Just GET ME OFF HERE!!!!!!  
  
Michelle: Mwahahahahahahaa!  
  
Toshin+Devil: Hey! We're the evil one's here!!!!! (cross between Toshin's red and Devil's purple)  
  
Michelle: Well, there's a new one in town, and she's one bad (beep)!  
  
Nina: Hey! I'm the Badass (beep) in this game!  
  
Anna: Says who, Plastic Boobs?!  
  
Nina: GrrrrrrrRRRRRRRAGGGGHHHH!!!! (another, but more violent, catfight ensues)  
  
Steve: You'd think they'd stop fighting each other for once!  
  
Violet: Well, I guess that's how they are  
  
Kaz: LEE! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?  
  
Violet: Well, while I was away, I thought I'd dye my hair  
  
Kaz: Well, the clothes are traditional, but the hair! It makes you look like a complete and utter wa-  
  
Me: Ey-ey-ey! Stop all this squabbling  
  
(squabbling continues, along with some new fights)  
  
Lei: Baldy boy!  
  
Bruce: Girly boy!  
  
Marshall Law: Vanilla-Ice-wannabe  
  
Paul: Bruce-Lee-wannabe  
  
Kaz: Me-wannabe  
  
Jin: Psycho!  
  
Hei: Ah, shut up the both of ya's, you're both crappy!  
  
(Kazuya and Jin both smash Heihachi in the face, knocking him out)  
  
Kaz: Right, now, where were we?  
  
Jin: I just called you a psycho  
  
Kaz: Ah, ok (charges up his fist)  
  
Me: (turns into a Devil version of himself) RIGHT! IF YOU ALL DON'T STOP (beep)ING ARGUING, THEN I'LL PERSONALLY RIP THE (beep) OUTTA ALL OF YOU!!! NOW, SHUT THE (beep) UP!!!!!  
  
Everyone (including Nina and Anna): (shuts up)  
  
Devil Me: BETTER!!! (reverts back to normal self)  
  
Kaz: And give me back my devil spirit!  
  
Me: Ok, ok, (gives Kazuya his devil spirit back), anyway's, thank you Michelle, for your contribution to the show  
  
Michelle: But I'm not finished!  
  
Ganryu: Oh yes you are!  
  
Me: On this one, I have to agree with Ganryu, you've used up your time so, (with megaphone) GET OFF THE STAGE!  
  
Michelle: Fine (takes back hatchets and goes back to her seat)  
  
Ganryu: Hey! What about me?  
  
Michelle: Oh God! Do I have to?  
  
Me: Erm…I'd better get someone else to un-shackle Ganryu. Any volunteers?  
  
(stony silence)  
  
Me: Er…anybody?  
  
(stony silence)  
  
Me: Do I have to assign a volunteer to un-shackle Ganryu?  
  
(Still a stony silence)  
  
Me: Ok, Julia, un-shackle Ganryu  
  
Jin: Er, she's still in the toilets  
  
Me: Eh? What's she doing?  
  
Jin: I'd…rather not say, for morality's sake  
  
Me: Oh god…Viol-er, Lee, you do it  
  
Lee: Great! Un-shackling a sumo wrestler from a bull's-eye, It's my lucky day!  
  
Me: Hey! No sounding sarcastic!  
  
Lee: (mutters, mumbles and grumbles whilst getting Ganryu off the bull's- eye)  
  
Ganryu: I'M FREE!!!  
  
Me: Ok, now, Ganryu, I'm giving you a new seat…er…next to Michelle I think will work  
  
Michelle: WHAT? But that's where Julia sits!  
  
Me: Well, now she can sit next to Jin  
  
Jin: (big grin on his face)  
  
Ganryu: (bigger grin on his face)  
  
Michelle: (evil frowning looks at Tekkenicus)  
  
Me: Er…anyway, our last act is…Steve Fox's interpretive dance  
  
Everyone: BOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Me: I know, I know, interpretive dance isn't my thing either, but we've run out of acts. We've already had Ling Xiaoyu spinning plates on stilts-  
  
Ling: And you never watched either!  
  
Me: -Marshall Law and Forest Law doing some opera singing-  
  
Paul: Sounded like someone was skewering Bruce Lee!  
  
Marshall+Forest: grrrrr  
  
Me: -Mon-Day performing a G n' R song-  
  
Violet: G n' R?  
  
Lee: Guns N' Roses  
  
Violet: Oh  
  
Kaz: Great, another person with a split personality!  
  
Me: -we had Armor King doing his resurrection trick-  
  
A.K: What does 'e mean 'resurrerection'?  
  
King: Didn't that Craig Marduk guy kill you in a bar room brawl?  
  
A.K: Nah, he just knocked me out that bad. I realised something was weird when I woke up in a hearse!  
  
King: Ohhhh, Armor King! Giz us a hug! (Another one of those bearhugs)  
  
A.K: (in strained voice) I'm…choking…again!!  
  
Me: -and, just now, we had Michelle throwing hatchets at Ganryu-  
  
Ganryu: (whimpers)  
  
Me: So, whilst I look for other acts, here's a commercial break. Play the jingle!  
  
(Jingle plays)  
  
Cameraman: And……we're clear  
  
Me: Somebody get me my f'n Coke!  
  
Ling: (shudders)  
  
Me: (looks at Ling, and remembers) the drink that is! (gets his Coca Cola™)  
  
Julia: (coming back from the toilets) hey, why's Ganryu in my place?  
  
Me: (sipping his Coca Cola) I've seated you next to Jin  
  
Julia: mmmmmm……  
  
Jin: mmmhmmhmhmmmmm……  
  
Kaz: Oh God…  
  
Jun: What's wrong?  
  
Kaz: The fact that Jin's gonna be making out right behind me gives me a headache  
  
(Everyone looks at Kazuya)  
  
Kaz: Erm, he's in the seat behind me  
  
(Everyone still looks at Kazuya)  
  
Kaz: I mean that Jin's gonna be making out with Julia right behind my back!  
  
Jun: (gasps) you've been having an affair with Julia?!?!?!?  
  
Michelle: Grrrrrrr (reveals a hatchet)  
  
Kaz: NO! Look where Jin is! He's in the seat behind me, with his girlfriend. They're gonna make out in the seat behind me!!  
  
Jun: (sighs with relief)  
  
Everyone: Well, why didn't you say so?  
  
Kaz: ……I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown now…  
  
Hei: Mwahahahahahah-ack! (hit by a Wind Godfist)  
  
Kaz: That's made me feel much better  
  
Jin: Didn't know my father could tell the future…  
  
Julia: (giggles)  
  
Kaz: (sighs)  
  
Dodge Viper (D.V): (enters the arena) Hey-ho!  
  
Me: Oh God! It's my nephew!  
  
D.V: Farty pants, farty pants, oops, I pooed!  
  
Me: If anyone wants to kill him, then you're allowed, cos we're not on the air at the moment  
  
Kaz: Great! Heeere Dodgy, Dodgy, Dodgy! (Pulling up the sleeves on his blank shirt and removing his shades)  
  
D.V: You pooed, you pooed, you…pooed? Er, HELP!  
  
(Dodge Viper gets beaten half to death by Kazuya's Tidal Wave Ninestring f, f, N, 2,1,4,4,2,4,2,1)  
  
Me: Thanks Kaz, I owe you one  
  
Kaz: Nah, you owe me 50.  
  
Me: Eh?  
  
Kaz: I loaned you £50 so you could go mad in the downtown areas so you owe me £50 back…what did you do with the £50 anyway?  
  
Me: (reminisces going mad in video game arcades…yet not putting the required coin in any of them. Then reminisces about paying some guy to go on the tunnel of love with an anonymous lady he brought along) Ah, happy memories  
  
Kaz: Er…yeah, anyway, you owe me £50!  
  
Me: Ok, ok, I'll get you your money soon!  
  
Jun: (using her mind-reading psychic powers) hmmm, I think I know which lady he's talking about  
  
(Everyone gets interested in Jun)  
  
Me: Ok, Jun's mind-reading ability will be used for the next act  
  
Jun: I don't think he should do that  
  
Jin: Why not?  
  
Jun: Cos I just found out where he went with Unknown  
  
Julia: Where did they go?  
  
Jun: I'll tell you soon enough (with sneaky intentions)  
  
Michelle: And I thought Ganryu was the sneaky one  
  
Ganryu: Mummy…hello mummy, can I have some chocolate? Mommy…  
  
Michelle: Ganryu, get your pork-chop-filled face out of my cleavage!!!  
  
Bryan: Whoa! Ganryu is the luckiest person, and yet, also the unluckiest  
  
Lei: Eh? What are we talking about?  
  
King: #I'm too sexy for my shirt#  
  
Lei: Er, you're not wearing a shirt  
  
King: Eh?…Oh, so I'm not  
  
Bruce: Goofball!  
  
Eddy: Ai carumba!  
  
Christie: Er, what Eddy said  
  
Steve: When the hell am I gonna do my act?  
  
Me: At the end!  
  
Steve: With where this is going, there's never gonna be an end!  
  
Me: Just shut up, you'll get your chance like everyone else has  
  
Steve: Jeez!  
  
Cameraman: And we're back on the air!  
  
Me: We've found an act, and it's Jun Kazama doing some mid-reading  
  
Everyone: Ooooooooohhhhhhh-Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh  
  
Nina: Sound familiar Anna?  
  
Anna: Don't start!  
  
Jun: (making her way up on stage)  
  
Hei: Bah! Mind Reading! It's a bunch of old crock!  
  
Jin: So it's like you then!  
  
Hei: Whhhhyyyy youuu!  
  
Wang: Ah, shaadap you old fart!  
  
Hei: Speak for yourself, (beep)-euphemism!  
  
Jun: Who said that?  
  
Me: Is it GunJack?  
  
GunJack: (makes a robotic noise)  
  
Lei: Nope  
  
Me: Is it Kazuya, the man with the purple suit and the spiked hair?  
  
Kaz: Hey!  
  
Lei: Nope  
  
Me: (sees where Lei is going with this) is it the wisecracking Chinese kung- fu cop over there (points to where Lei is sitting)  
  
Lei: Could be (jumps into the top drawer of a filing cabinet and then comes out of the bottom drawer in his Chinese kung-fu suit, and with an eye-mask, a la Lone Ranger style)  
  
King: #Hong Kong Wulong, number 1 super-guy#  
  
Lei: (poses)  
  
Bruce: (thoughts: Super gay more like)  
  
Jun: (thoughts: I heard that!)  
  
Bruce: (thoughts: Yaagh! She's genuine!)  
  
King: #Hong Kong Wulong, quicker then the human eye#  
  
Me: Ok, that's enough of the 'Hong Kong Phooey'-isms  
  
Lei: No way! It's much more fun!  
  
Me: Hey, what I says, goes, now sit down or I'll make you sit down!  
  
Toshin: YOU DARE TRY TO BE EVILLER THEN TOSHIN?!?!?!  
  
Me: Ah, shut up you green baboon!  
  
Toshin: BABOON??!! I'LL SHOW YOU BABOON!!!  
  
Me: Bring it on, man!  
  
Jun: (uses her psychic powers to calm Tekkenicus and Toshin down)  
  
Toshin: Oooooohhhhrrrggghhh, nighty-night, mommy-(falls asleep)  
  
Me: Whoooaaaaaa, Look at all the pretty colours-(falls asleep)  
  
Jin: Hey, he's doing a Hwoarang impression!  
  
Hwoar: (beep) you man! I'm gonna kill ya!- Whoooaaaaaa, look at all the pretty colours-(falls asleep)  
  
Jin: Thanks Mom!  
  
Jun: (smiles)  
  
Forest: Hey! Who gonna host the show now?  
  
Paul: I think I can handle the job  
  
Kaz: (presses Family Fortunes buzzer)  
  
Paul: Ah (beep)-weeeeeee, swirling lights and Ishtar from Macross 11:Lovers Again! Sing a song of six-(falls asleep)  
  
Ling: Ok, is everyone gonna be falling asleep if they swear now?  
  
Me+Paul+Toshin+Hwoar: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  
  
Jun: Yes, because I've had enough of this. There are children younger than 15 reading and watching this you know  
  
Lee: Reading?  
  
Steve: I've been to that festival, not as good as Glastonbury though  
  
Lee: ?  
  
Kuni: (entering the arena) Finally! I've made it back!  
  
Yoshi: Erm, where were you?  
  
Kuni: Disneyland  
  
Yoshi: oh, sorry bout tha-mwhmmmm (caught in a big lip-lock from Kunimitsu)  
  
A.K: Whoa! HEY! THERE'S A COUPLE MAKING OUT HERE!!!!  
  
(lip-lock continues)  
  
Lei: (looks at watch)  
  
Bruce: …  
  
Bryan: Hey! There's a public toilets over there! Use it!  
  
Me: Wa-wh-where am I? Ooh bugger, I'm still doing the show!  
  
Kaz: Haven't had a lip-lock like that in a while  
  
Jun: Hmmmm (thinks about it, then plants a big lip-lock on Kazuya)  
  
Jin: AGH! No! Not in my face!  
  
Julia: Then look away  
  
Jin: (looks away from his parents and looks at Julia instead) much better in a suave voice  
  
Julia: (giggles)  
  
Jin: (plants a lip-lock of his own on Julia)  
  
Me: When are these lip-locks gonna end?  
  
Lee+Anna: (already in a lip-lock)  
  
Toshin+Angel: (also in a lip-lock)  
  
Ganryu+Michelle: (in a lip-lock, but with Michelle fighting for her life)  
  
Paul: Nina-  
  
Nina: No (beep)ing way!  
  
Paul: Damn!  
  
Forest: Wish I could get a lip-lock  
  
Marshall: Er, I'll see you back home son (leaves the arena)  
  
Forest: Where could he-oh my god!  
  
(Suddenly, the Final Fantasy Team invade, which stops all the lip-locks)  
  
Me: Thanks ma-  
  
Reno: Save it fool!  
  
Me: (frowns)  
  
Tseng: We are here to take over this fanfic right now!  
  
Me: Says who?  
  
Final Fantasy Guys and Gals: SAYS US!  
  
Hei: Not if I have anything to say about it!  
  
Red XVIII: Is this wise?  
  
Barret: If it isn't then…well, who'd care?  
  
Red XVIII: Guess so  
  
Me: Well, I guess there's only one thing for it…  
  
Lei: Wonder what he could mean…  
  
Jin: I think I know…  
  
Me: LLLLLLLLETTT'S GET READY TO RUMBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Big fight starts between the Final Fantasy people and Tekken people and Tekkenicus. But, then, suddenly, in the middle of the craziness and the fighting and the punches and the kicks and the-)  
  
Everyone (including the FF ppl): GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!  
  
(Ok, ok, jeez! A mysterious voice cries out amongst them)  
  
Voice: I SHALL BECOME ONE WITH THE FANFICTION!  
  
Everyone: Sephiroth!  
  
(Sephiroth, in his amazing flying and evil style appears)  
  
Lee: Copycat!  
  
Kaz: (elbowing him in the side) shut up!  
  
(Sephiroth spots Lee, picks him up, swings him around and flings him at an unsuspecting Cloud)  
  
Cloud+Lee: Argh!  
  
Hojo: That's my boy!  
  
Sephiroth: I AM NOT YOUR BOY!  
  
Paul: Give it up already, we all know you're the son of Hojo and Lucretia  
  
Kaz: Dumbass!  
  
(This next bit of footage is censored, as it is too violent)  
  
Me: Ooooooooh that had to hurt! Didn't think he could summon a meteor to do that!  
  
Paul: Can someone help me? I appear to be very badly burnt. I'm not dead, just very badly burnt. Can someone get a doctor or somethi-(sound of a bullet, but actually being a small piece of a meteor blasting into Paul) You shot me! You shot me right in the arm! Why did yo-(another bullet-like sound, and silence)  
  
Forest: Oh my God! Sephiroth killed Paul!  
  
Nina: You (beep)stard!  
  
Sephiroth: AND NOW, I WILL INTRODUCE YOU TO MY MOTHER…  
  
Jun: Isn't that nice  
  
Tifa: Not really…  
  
Sephiroth: (drops a root of Jenova)  
  
Yoshi: That's it? Jeez! (slashes the root and kills it)  
  
Kaz: Didn't know it was that easy to defeat  
  
Sephiroth: EH? HOW DID YOU DEFEAT JENOVA SO QUICKLY?  
  
Yoshi: Laser sword. Go figure  
  
Sephiroth: (getting rid of the old high and mighty voice) Hmmm, well, I just have this giant masamune  
  
Yoshi: Hmmm, say, let's talk about this over lunch, k?  
  
Sephiroth: Ok  
  
Nina: My, my, my, that's a big sword he's got!  
  
(Everyone, including the great Sephiroth, stares at Nina)  
  
Nina: Not in that sense you dolts!  
  
Me: Anyway's, let's just stop this while we're ahead, ok?  
  
Everyone: Ok  
  
Steve: hey! What about my act?  
  
Me: Perform it in front of the camera, we're going  
  
Steve: Ok, er (facing camera), ok, here's my act. Interpretive Dance by Steve Fox.  
  
Cameraman: Sorry, out of film!  
  
Steve: (beep)!-hey, it's a big glowing pink thingy!-(falls asleep)  
  
Cameraman: (leaves)  
  
Director: (leaves as well)  
  
(24 hours later)  
  
Baek: Hey guys!  
  
(his only response being the sounds of his echoing voice and the sight of no people)  
  
Baek: Eh? (looks at invitation) Ah crap! I'm a day late! (grumbles and mutters curses under his breath as he walks out of the arena)  
  
Paul: Man, how long was I out? Ah well, (leave the arena)  
  
Snotrag+Haemorhoid+Guitar Bloke: We're back!  
  
(Silence)  
  
Haemorrhoid: Hey, where'd everyone go?  
  
Snotrag: Wait, you guys (looks at watch) We've missed the rest of the show, it's tomorrow!  
  
Guitar Bloke: How d'ya know?  
  
Snotrag: It says so on my watch (shows Guitar Bloke the watch) See, 4th September!  
  
Guitar Bloke: Ah (beep)-whoa man, it's all swirly!-(falls asleep)  
  
Haemorrhoid: (looks at Snotrag)  
  
Snotrag: (looks at Haemorrhoid)  
  
Haemorrhoid: That's……just basically (beep)ed up-whooo!-(falls asleep)  
  
Snotrag: Hey, what's going on?!?  
  
(silence)  
  
Snotrag: Ah, (beep) it!-heeeeeeeey man! It's Ishtar!-(falls asleep)  
  
  
  
  
  
Fin'e 


End file.
